Another birthday in my 30’s, and I’m sick this time, which isn’t very auspicious. All the planning and excitement about going to Tahoe to snowboard on my birthday vanished when I began feeling weak the day before, then completely useless the day of.

The human body is so weak when sick. I barely had enough energy to stand and brush my teeth. I had to lean against the counter, closing my eyes as I brushed because it was 9pm and I was already exhausted. How much it reminded me that I’ve wasted so much time and how little time I have left.

If I got lucky, and lived until about 65, the age at which the body is still able to perform when not sick, then I’ve got about 35 good years left.

Minus 3 years for sickness, and I’ve got 32 years.

Minus 12 years of birthing and childcare, assuming 2 children, and I’ve got 20 left.

God, I’ve wasted so much time.  Only 20 years left to do everything I still dream of doing. 20 years to travel the world, painting the scenes that I see. Code all the programs I think of. Start a company, fail, keep trying at it, maybe succeed, maybe not, but at least I tried. Climb mountains, meet people from different walks all over the world, try different lifestyles. I want to make a video game, doesn’t have to be flashy, but something fun and original. Buy some land, build my own house. Try different sports. Go back to the same beautiful spot in the woods everyday to paint a picture.

One lifetime should be enough time to do all these things! 20 years should be enough!

But, I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. I’m stuck because it’s really hard to think about the big picture during the everyday. You need money to have shelter and food, so there’s work to go to. Healthcare is expensive, and not having health care is a tax penalty, so there’s another big chunk of monthly expenses. Having children is even more expensive, so have to save for that too.

Honestly, I should just waste less time playing video games and watching movies and actually accomplish my dreams. So stupid huh. I’ll try that for a month. Every time I feel like playing video games, I’ll do a piece of a dream instead. Then at the end of the month, I’ll see what I’ve done. Will report with findings.

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